Announcing our partnership with ‘Agile Astrologers’

My Little Devils,

Today, I come back here, to announce a very important and strategic partnership that would help us achieve our life mission of “Killing Agility“.

I am very happy to announce, our global partnership with ‘Agile Astrologers’ across the world to help us thwart this Evil of Agility. I am confident, that with this new partnership our hands will be strengthened to fight this Agile pandemic which has spread all across the world.

Agile Astrologers are a diverse group of people and companies which are deeply embedded into the corporate world as agile coaches, consultants, consulting companies , agile trainers and training companies. With hundreds and thousands of them present in every country and continent, it will make our job of fighting Agility together,much more easier.

The inspiration for this partnership, actually came from none other than, our very own Bollywood heros. I was watching a beautiful and soothing movie for devils:

In this wonderful movie,as Mudit tries to find a solution to his problem, he visits various psychics, babas, pandits, doctors and more and each one gives him a fast quick fix solution to the problem.

Just I was pondering this, I had a dream and in my dreams I saw that one power, who can fix anything:

And Babaji said to me, To Kill Agility just look at people who are highly paid and trusted to bring Agility to the organizations and make them your ally, then “कृपा हो जाएगी” ( You will be blessed)” and voila, I found our new allies, The Agile Astrologers.

The best part of our partnership with Agile Astrologers is that their customers already trust them to provide them the best temporary solutions for change and they are willing to pay highly for their magical medicines:

Actually, their formulations are simple:

Problem finding customers Write Agile in your company introduction

Problem with Agile knowledge of teamCreate 5000 Certified, Professional and Licensed Scrum Masters

Team collaboration problem: Run Daily Stand-ups and Scrums

Our new allies specialize in giving piecemeal quick fix solutions to every problem that the CEOs/Executives tell them and they also specialize in escape.

Before the customers realize that the quick fix solution will not help them change and they have spent a huge amount on “Snake oil”, our Agile Astrologers friends vanish.

They are already in a different country, different city, different boardroom, selling more of their medicines.

and that’s why I am banking so much on our partnership with Agile Astrologers. When the clients realize that they have been taken for a ride and real change has that “Agile” promised has not happened, they would blame Agile and bury the thoughts of adopting it. Yet all the time trusting their Agile Astrologers for the next sweet medicine.

And now, the last two strengths of our Agile Astrologer friends:

First, they come in all shapes and sizes: from individuals ( Produly calling themselves ‘Independent Agile Coaches“) to “Certified” trainers( with big student following) , Consulting divisions of large software companies. There are also the big multinational converted ones, who were earlier selling Management and Business Consulting and now they have disguised their fake Agile pills as Business Agility Solutions and Management Agility Solutions.

So, wherever you need them to disrupt Agile, our new allies are present to help you in destroying Agility.

And the last and the best part, Our Agile Astrologers are growing in strength by the day, as, it is very easy, to grow another Agile Astrologer.

Anyone who thinks they can be an Agile Astrologer ( or simply, if they are not finding any other job in the corporate world), simply need to enrol for a 2 day online workshop by another Astrologer, get a stamp (Certification) and voila, they are ready to be added to the Agile Astrologer Corps. Easy peasy, isn’t it 😀 !!

So, my little devilish followers, let’s make the best use of this combined strength with our new partners and ensure that we wipe out the Agile green shoots which are arising in every new company. Sooner than later!

Three cheers to a lasting friendship and partnership with our new partners, The Agile Astrologers.

Hip Hip Hurray! Hip Hip Hurray! Hip Hip Hurray!

Agile Devil
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The Rise of New ‘Avatars’



Once upon a time there was Y2k problem,

Which sent the world into consternation..,

The armies of Y2K soldiers were created,

Only to realize it was just a false proclamation,


And then, came .NET with the hype and hoopla,

Which made the techies go oo la la,

So much power and so good UI,

Everyone wanted to learn the GUI.


Not far behind was Java,

Lurking below the surface like Cassava,

But, it was the next big thing in tech world,

In which every engineer wanted to be baptised,

Institutes opened by dime a dozen,

To teach you Java, by hook, by crook or by simple certification.


As Java became mainstream, another monster reared its wings,

Started as a simple concept, but soon tied everyone in rings,


From West to the East, from North to the southern islands,

Everyone was scratching their noses and heads,


To make sense of something which they din’t understand,

Yet complying with what their customers made them stand,


Agile Agile Agile, everywhere, there was a call to be Agile,

Just change overnight and do it with a smile,


And when everyone was searching for answers,

There came a god sent army of caretakers,

The ‘Avatars’ were fondly called Agile coaches,

And soon they were everywhere from Russia to the Tropics,


The clan grew like the bumblebees,

You could find them in trenches and on trees,

And sooooo.. inspiring was this newest breed of humans,

Everyone just wanted to be one of the privileged ones,


But how to be a Agile coach was still a question unanswered,

I want to be an agile coach was where everyone’s mind wondered,

The magic potion was right there, in the wonderful hands of training institutes and marketeers,

Just go to a class for three days and be transformed into an agile coach, new profile and new careers,

Soon, the wonderful astrologers, whom we fondly called managers,

Got a new beautiful name, and were now called coaches and mentors,

But who has the time to check whether the mindset was there for change,

All that mattered was brand new logos and a certification to preen,


And so is the story of the rise of the power of Agile coaches,

All powerful as the new horizon in management approaches,

Now, as we wait for the next new thing to rise,

Hail our new heroes, the agile coaches, all wealthy and wise!

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Lesson 9: Welcome the Agile Copycats!



Ahh…That was a long slumber… it has been 6 years little devils.

But I am happy with what I see. You little devils have followed my teachings and have ensured this Agile Evil does really look like evil to most developers and managers.

I am proud of your little devils!


And as I woke up, let me introduce you to our new friend: The AGILE COPY CAT!

While I was hibernating, my little feline friend has ensured that she has spread her paws well in the Agile world and ensured that true Agility never takes root.

She has created little copies of her in every large and medium organization at ever level and these ‘Avatars’ are ensuring that real benefits that Agile people talk about are never realized.

And, If you are how to find that copycat in your organization, here are some clues:


The ‘CopyCat’ Customer or CEO:

These guys are amazing and yet very easy to find.

They are normally found in town halls, all-hands and even board meetings bragging about how they have ‘implemented’ Agility from top to bottom in the organization and how the organization is now flying high in the dream world of Agility

The recite the buzz words like ABCD.. DevOps, Spotify Model, Agile Scrum, DevSecOps… they are all on tip of their tongue

and yes, where did they learn it: In a one hour, online TED Talk, conference or video of course !


And they mandate to their teams and managers:

We MUST follow the Agile/Scrum/Spotify… model and do ensure we comply with all tenets

That’s another matter, that when it comes to deadlines and release planning and budgeting. They tell the team.. I need the delivery by this date..Come What May!

Easy to Spot, Aint’ they :)!!


The ‘CopyCat’ Manager (aka ScrumMaster):


Now this guy is a little dangerous little devils ! Beware of this cheesy species of Agile humans. Because some of them have really transformed to this new Agile evil and they are damaging are cause!!!

but a majority of them are still with us our realm of destroying Agility.

but How do you spot them! Simple..little devils..simple!

Just find that bunch/ breed who got a new certification added to their names in last few years.. CSM, PSM, SAFe, PMI-ACP, KMP… the list is you should find them at ease…

When they were in the certification class, they were mosstly telling their juniors about what B***S** the trainer was talking and how it is not practically possible to implement what they were taught during the workshop but they did get that coveted badge to their name.

BUT They ‘commit’ on team’s behalf to the team and chase and chastise the team when sprint ‘FAILS’ ensuring that some members are fired when they don’t follow true Agility ( I mean accept all new demands of customers within same sprint, time and budget)


They do ensure team prepares beautiful graphs for management and customers to see


PSST! but behind the back, they are found asking and searching on google, how I can become an Agile Coach or Trainer ( After all, the bread and butter for future is important)

They cant hide.. isn’t it? The sheep’s skin slips over oh so easily 😀


The ‘CopyCat’ Team Member:

This species is a little lesser known at this time. Wherever, he is found, he is struggling to stay afloat in this Agile mess and struggling to find ways to get out.

He goes from class-to-class, workshop to workshop, certification to certification ( Only if it is on weekend! and paid by the company! but it is important because all his teammates are now certified), eats wholesome food during the training days and brags in his profile about the most Agile guy in the team but ……

just poke him a little and you will find him using the choicest of expletives for Agile coaches, trainers and of course, the managers and customers who push Agile.

Sleepy cat


So, there you go devils!

Keep finding these CopyCat Avatars my friend has created and we will be winning this new war against Agility yet again and sooner than we expected.

Here is to the rise of Agile copy cats!!!!!!!



Sayonara Little Devils!

Agile Devil





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Lesson 8: Keeping the “Managerism” high


I am very angry and very concerned.

Inspite of all our efforts, the Agile brigade has been masquerading and converting people to  Agile. So much so, that almost all clients now want to start their new projects, using Agile practices.

This is baddd..

We need to step up our war against this Agile thing and make sure this evil is defeated. I have been thinking about how do we achieve this and I got a brilliant idea from “Shiva Trilogy “books that I have been reading off-late. There they say,  to keep your beliefs high and spread them, you need to find that one emotional anchor which would unite the masses and I am happy to inform you little devils, that I have been able to find it, and it is called “Managerism”

These agile people have been conspiring to drive Managerism out of our well acknowledged and experienced friends and trying to convert them to mentors and coaches. We must now not allow this. We need to help them to maintain their titles, designations , way to work and we should soon win their support and may be our battle against Agile.

So, Here is my 5 commandants that you need to preach to all our friends, to maintain their “Managerism”



Even if the team has been baptized into Agile, still they are incapable of making decisions. There needs to be someone who needs to oversee everything and make sure team is performing as expected and they deliver what they promise


As the head of the team, team members must report all the things that they do, they missed and the current state to you without fail. This helps you in being on top of things and catch the person responsible for failure, in the rare case your team fails.


kitty-junior team member

They are just of out of their wings and will need at least 5-7 years to gain sufficient knowledge. So as a manager it is your duty that you assign them the right tasks and check with them every day if they have been able to follow the plan. You can praise and penalize them based on how they perform their respective tasks


Bell Curve

Bell curve has and will always remain the tool for appraisals and Thou shall not abandon it. This would help you identify superstars from you team and make sure you have right people on your side whenever you need them. All this talk of team performance and 360 feedback is utter nonsense and flimiscal.  As a manager, you know best how each team member has been performing. So, keep ringing the bell !!


map-detailed plan

One of the basic tenets of managerism is to be able to create, maintain and approve detailed project plans. And all of us need to be master in that art. This helps the management, clients and the company see the bigger picture and with our knowledge we can list down all possible scenarios, risks and outcomes. Plan Ahoy !!

So get working devils ( and devilettes, of course !!) and we shall succeed…..

Yours truly,


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Lesson 7: How to scare your teams away from Agility

Hello Devils,

I hope 2012 has been good for you and you reaped good rewards in your efforts to drive away agility. I hope you have been able to clear minds of quite a few of your students to steer away from Agility.

I am also sad to report to that our master devil , failed to end the world on 20-12-2012 and  so now we need to work hard in 2013 to erase any sense of hope these Agile coaches might have garnered to imbibe agility to the masses.


So, here is my first lesson of 2013 and it is about the work we do best, to scare people away from the perils of Agility


Here are a few simple steps for you to instill that fear:

Help them make their Agile process look complicated :

Complex processes scare tech geeks. You need to make sure you tell the geeks that whatever they do, they have to follow the process religiously because its a company directive and the best possible approach suggested by their revered guru, “The Agile Coach”

complicated process

Instill a false sense of belief in the management :

My estranged cousin, The Agile Coach has been telling the executive members that they need to invest in infrastructure, training , HR practices and policies to succeed with Agile. But you need to ask the executive a very simple question. Why do we need to spend so much when the things are smooth? Why do we need to incur an extra cost on infra etc. where all they just want is a process change. This would help to confuse them regarding their investment in support systems for Agile teams.


Agile makes all their team members, Usain Bolt avatars:

Guide them to believe you heard somewhere that Agile teams can perpetually deliver faster, take more work in the same amount of time without too many changes from management / requirement perspective. This will make them push their teams to take up additional work they can’t possibly deliver and thus create a conflict…and the simple blame will go to “Agile”. So, Its simple Sir Arthur Simple…just make Agile philosophy the scapegoat.


“Ek baar jo commitment maine ker di, uske baad main khud ki bhi nahin sunta”

(Once I have made commitment, I don’t even listen to myself to change it)


Remember , that dialogue from Macho Man Salman Khan’s movie. That’s a perfect tool for us. While they are training for Agile, tell your managers that for a Scrum team commitment is every thing and once they have decided a sprint and release plan , it is their obligatory duty to fulfill it, come what may.

So the management will put a Gun to the team’s head and chide them if they don’t deliver as per the sprint commitment and the team will feel all their ills have been brought on by using Agile technique…Beautiful thoughts, ain’t it :). Who cares about the “forecasts”


Just get them started:

Agile is so simple, right. Why do they need to spend time on hiring an expensive trainer or a coach when there is so much material available online. Why waste two productive billable days in a classroom training when we can just get started after reading a document. The consequences of that would be a half cooked agile knowledge for them and you know, half cooked is a dangerous thing 😛


So start using these principles now and I hope to hear good news from all of you soon about how many teams abandoned believing in Agile philosophy . Keep me posted  !!!

Yours Truly

The Agile Devil.


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Lesson 6: Quick Steps to render your Scrum Team ( and Scrum :D) ineffective

Hello Little Devils,

After a short break, you guru is back again. I have been travelling the world noticing poor team member souls trying to be efficient while working as an Agile Team.

Oh ! The kind me ! I cant see my lovely denizens being in such a pain. So, today I am going to tell you some secrets about how to make the agile team ineffective so that these poor souls can get back to their old tested ways of siloed existence .

Destroy the Alarm clocks ( and outlook reminders :-X):

Following all the meeting timings and promised deadlines is for dumb robots. The agile team members are humans. They ought to have their own timelines , own calendars to follow and own things to do … and if they still don’t agree, remind them of their beloved agile principle

“People and Interactions” matter more over “Processes and Tools”

All meetings should include everyone in the team and should be at least 1 hour long :

Small meetings are so boring. You just have to be very attentive and listen  in a small meeting. My lovely team members are so busy in their work everyday that they deserve some rest. So , what better place than a meeting to relax those overworked minds. To help them, make sure the meetings run into at least an hour, have no fixed agenda and some people are allowed to talk as much as they can.  This would make sure my team member friends can sleep well while in meeting. You see

“A relaxed mind breeds innovation and a busy mind breeds bugs”

No Plans :D:

These Agile coaches preach that be ready for the change, plans or useless. So lets give them a taste of their own medicine !!!!!

My devils, you ought to make sure all the team plans are high level and don’t ever let them know that one of the team’s responsibility in a sprint planning meeting also includes creating a sprint plan with all task dependencies and expected timelines for each story completion.

Their unawareness will make sure they are running mini waterfalls in sprints, relaxing in the first few days and then running crazy in last days of sprint..This would provide them some well deserved rest and gratification to us devils..isnt it … ?

Keep the hierarchies intact:

This Agile is just a passing thing. All the experience people earn over the years matters more. So, that means the newbies need to be controlled and tamed to make sure they work in the right way. The managers and team leads need to be there to keep an eye on the little mischief mongers. From their grey hair, they best know who is suited for what task…So…the hierarchies and the  authority needs to be there to make sure everything runs smooth as silk.

Set higher expectations:

Agile Gurus says teams work more efficiently when they are using Agile. Why Not ?

That means they can accomplish more work in same time. That means our sales guys can earn money for the company by committing lesser timelines and more work. We need to make sure each team member is loaded at least 150%(the more loading, more efficient the team member is) … and believe me they can do that…after all they are  agile….and if they fail, we would get out chance to blame Agile and throw it out of the window…so lets do it 😀 😀 😀 😀

OK ! enough of lessons. Now get out to the field and start implementing these fast…We have very less time left. This agile thing is spreading its tentacles and I am scared…GO GUYS ! Lets destroy Agility before it kills us…


Agile Devil

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Lesson 5: Instant Agility for the Fast and the Furious

These Agile coaches……

They really make me LMAO when I listen to their poor efforts to transform organizations to be more Agile

Understand what you want…

Find business challenges to resolve…

Identify the process…..

Pilot the process……..

Spread the message and the practices

I mean, are they nuts ?

Who on earth has that much amount of time and money !!!!!

But don’t worry, my dear disciples. Your guru has just the right recipe for you…

Just make sure you mix the ingredients right I am sure you would enjoy the fastest transformation recipe. Here you go.

Ingredients :

  • 10-15 Team Leads or Managers
  • 1-2 Senior Project/ Program Managers to drive the program
  • Guidebooks for CSM, RUP, CMMi, ISO etc etc
  • Sufficient meeting and training rooms
  • 1-2 Quality/ SEPG for nourishing and checking progress of the recipe

Steps :

  • Make all PMs / Leads certified :

The best way to  get certified is to create as many certified team members in your company as possible.Certifications not only make their CVs look good , they would also get you a good appraisal as your bosses would know how dedicated you are to your work and save costs to company. The certification could be any CSM, PSM, PMI-ACP, ICI etc etc…the flavor is the key

Cost Saving Tip:
To add a twist, you can also make sure the training is in the company premises itself . So, if you need these valued resources in middle of training, you can pull them out of training anytime
  • Organize mass trainings for developers:

Make sure all the team members have gone through 2 day training rigor and have dozed, snoozed and passed through  an exam to test their agility right after

Cost saving Tip :
All the training can be conducted by the newly crowned PMs aka Scrum Masters
  • Define the Agile process :

With the senior directors and client representatives define the Agile process teams have to follow. Don’t worry if you have tweak a few principles because you think they cannot be followed in your organization. You can still  safely call it Scrum/XP or whatever else…after all you are the Guru. You know the best

Your PMs aka SMs should make sure every one in the team  follows the process religiously . All the ceremonies, no documentation , no planning….You can even attach it to their appraisal goals

  • Conduct the audits and punish the guilty :

Now is the part of the SEPG and QA garnishing.

Every quarter the SEPG should evaluate the project and Scrum Masters on ‘compliance’ with the ‘Scrum’ process and make sure those fully compliant with Scrum are promoted and made Senior Scrum masters and  “Agile Coaches”

That way you can show them off and sell them to clients  to earn more money for the organization (who knows you might also land a lucrative offer as the ‘chief Agile Coach” for mentoring so many coaches 😀 )

Chalo, I need to sign off for the day…I hope I see your company being Agile , tomorrow morning…


Agile Devil
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Lesson 1: How to kill Quality and Testing in your sprints

Hi My Fellow Agilists,

I am your neighborhood Agile Devil and today, As my first learning to you,  I bring you some tips on how to effectively Kill Testing in your sprint and the Quality of your deliverables !!!!

I hope they work well for you, My dear brethren ……

Make Sure the team picks up more stories than the QA Expert/Team can test
Make Sure your code changes continue till last date of the sprint.
Make Sure all stories complete on last 1-2 days of sprint so that the QA expert is overwhelmed about executing test cases on the last day of the sprint.
Make Sure tasks published on Scrum task board do not have test plan review, test execution and bug fixing so that they are conveniently forgotten till that last day of the sprint.
Make Sure story priorities are ignored so that all stories start and end on same days.
Make Sure Some bugs are definitely carried to the next sprint and to the bug backlog.
Make Sure No Regression testing is possible in the sprint so that the bugs cannot be found before the end of release is near. This would keep the regression team very busy too.
Make Sure you ignore hints of expected help from the QA Expert and focus only on the tasks assigned to you. That’s the only thing which is important, Not the team goals.
Make Sure Minimum time remains for Bug fixing at the end of sprint. This would ensure high quality bugs till late in release.
Make sure DoD is never looked into sprint review and is invisible on team pages too .
Make sure your bugs are not tagged to stories/ features. This way nobody would be able to trace where it all started.
Make sure your estimates include only the development complexity/size and not the test complexity and size


Your Beloved Agile Devil


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Lesson 2: How to break builds without breaking sweat

Hello My Little Devils,

I hear that you are out of work and I am concerned.

The time for action has come and we need to make sure our victims are worried in the year 2012.. !!!!!!!

So…  To help you,

Here are my tips to kill the builds and delay the release…

With References from :

Adios and Hoping for a good success in killing Agility !

Your Beloved Agile Devil

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Lesson 3: Presenting “Accurate Estimates”

Are you bored ?? 

Are you feeling low ??

Are you looking for a challenge ??

Do you love to make people confused ??

Do you want to be on an adventure trip??

Ask for

Accurate Estimates©

Agile Devil’s workshop is proud to present its brand new tool

 “Accurate Estimates© “

“Accurate Estimates©“has been developed after years of research in our very own devil’s lab and it will help you to

            Raise your profile in front of customers

                               Identify the neck to wriggle when the estimates do not match actuals

                   Have unlimited fun looking at frowny, discontent or hidden faces

 Help you find loopholes in others’ work and give them lower appraisals

Give you the confidence in client meetings even though you know things may change

   Make sure the team is ranked most productive and works 12-15 hours a day

 Be recognized as the innovator and change the age old wrong definition of estimates ( Approximation, guess, etc. etc.)


So, order your very own copy now and enjoy the fun !!!!



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