Agile Devil's Workshop

Devils,

I am very angry and very concerned.

Inspite of all our efforts, the Agile brigade has been masquerading and converting people to  Agile. So much so, that almost all clients now want to start their new projects, using Agile practices.

This is baddd..

We need to step up our war against this Agile thing and make sure this evil is defeated. I have been thinking about how do we achieve this and I got a brilliant idea from “Shiva Trilogy “books that I have been reading off-late. There they say,  to keep your beliefs high and spread them, you need to find that one emotional anchor which would unite the masses and I am happy to inform you little devils, that I have been able to find it, and it is called “Managerism”

These agile people have been conspiring to drive Managerism out of our well acknowledged and experienced friends and trying to convert them to mentors and coaches. We must now not allow this. We need to help them to maintain their titles, designations , way to work and we should soon win their support and may be our battle against Agile.

So, Here is my 5 commandants that you need to preach to all our friends, to maintain their “Managerism”

“THOU SHALT NOT LOSE CONTROL”

Even if the team has been baptized into Agile, still they are incapable of making decisions. There needs to be someone who needs to oversee everything and make sure team is performing as expected and they deliver what they promise

“STATUS TRACKING IS IMPORTANT AND REQUIRED”

As the head of the team, team members must report all the things that they do, they missed and the current state to you without fail. This helps you in being on top of things and catch the person responsible for failure, in the rare case your team fails.

“JUNIOR TEAM MEMBERS SHALT NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS”

They are just of out of their wings and will need at least 5-7 years to gain sufficient knowledge. So as a manager it is your duty that you assign them the right tasks and check with them every day if they have been able to follow the plan. You can praise and penalize them based on how they perform their respective tasks

“THOU SHALT MAINTAIN THE ‘Bell curve’”

Bell curve has and will always remain the tool for appraisals and Thou shall not abandon it. This would help you identify superstars from you team and make sure you have right people on your side whenever you need them. All this talk of team performance and 360 feedback is utter nonsense and flimiscal.  As a manager, you know best how each team member has been performing. So, keep ringing the bell !!

“THOU SHALT PLAN IN DETAIL”

One of the basic tenets of managerism is to be able to create, maintain and approve detailed project plans. And all of us need to be master in that art. This helps the management, clients and the company see the bigger picture and with our knowledge we can list down all possible scenarios, risks and outcomes. Plan Ahoy !!

So get working devils ( and devilettes, of course !!) and we shall succeed…..

Yours truly,